It's been an interesting four months or so. Interesting in the way that being hit by a bus then run over by a car is interesting. Welll actually that's only two things. But i digress. As i believe i communicated last time i was diagnosed with a massive hernia in April past...i can't remember the name for the type but as the ultra sound weilding consultant described it , a proportion of my bowel has dropped into my scrotum along with an as yet unquantifiable amount of fatty tissue. The end result is essentially an enlarged scrotum, a fair amount of discomfort and a considerable degree of general bowel irritation necessitating some remedial action medication wise. I'm scheduled for corrective surgery early in the New Year ...well provisionally. I could have had the surgery faster but due to my current situation (as in i'm self employed with a struggling business with no back up whatsoever and a 91 year old parent for whom i am the sole carer) that was not really a possibility. I might even have to defer in Jan (assuming it's then) but that's another story. I recall mentioning to a friend back in April shortly after the (long delayed) doctors visit confirming the problem that these things normally come in threes. About a month later my nine year old VW Golf decided to give up the ghost...something to do with a piston rod penetrating the engine. That car had been with me through three separate homes and was the one constant in my life through marital seperation and it's attendant upheavals. More to the point although it had 100,000 miles on the clock it was in good enough order and i had no plans to part with it any time soon. So it's demise was not only emotionally problematic but much more importantly financially so. It meant another change...and with change comes insecurity. Also in this case there came a monthly HP payment for the next four years i had not planned on. So that was no 2. Now i have never believed in the principle of 3 but i might have to reconsider as about a month ago the aforementioned 91 year old parent...my father and business partner...fell down the stairs in the shop necessitating a quick rush to A and E. Fortunately he did not break anything though he did suffer heavy bruising to the ribs and sustained a gash in his forehead requiring stitches. He has now been recuperating at home for several weeks and in the time honored way of a cure being worse than the disease the cocodamol he was on for the severe pain of the bruised ribs has badly affected his already none to robust appetite. He is forcing himself to eat but has lost a stone from an already age weakened frame and while he is recovering well enough in terms of the physical healing of the bruises his general health is obviously causing me some concern. Thankfully he is back on the paracetamol but his appetite remains poor...at 91 the body requires a lot less nutrition of course but it has its limits...and at 91 they are more noticeable. Perhaps even more worrying is the fact that with five weeks now passed he has not even mentioned coming back into the shop. To understand this you would have to know my father personally but suffice it to say he hates being at home on his own all day and even in his early nineties has been determined to come to work every day come what may...when he fell a couple of years back (requiring two days hospitalization) he was back in the shop within about a week and even the idea of spending a morning at home to wait on a delivery etc generally results in protestations. This time it is different however...perhaps it's the fact that he fell in the shop itself ...and on the stairs ...and it has badly knocked his. confidence or maybe he just feels physically not up to it. Either way i'm playing it by ear...hopefully if i can get him built up and feeling a bit stronger he may regain some enthusiasm for getting out. To keep his mind active (and because it's necessary frankly) i take the bookwork up to him so he can keep in touch with things. When he fell before it was a warning shot to me that I was relying far too much on him...especially for the admin side of things. But it suited us both to ignore the warning (as is my modus operandi) and here we are again. This time it's different however as there is the distinct possibility that he will not be back down at least on a regular basis and that is a difficult thing for me...and him...to get our heads round. I find it tough on both an emotional and a practical level. I've worked with him for over thirty years in that place...for the last five years just him and me. I've been kept busy enough this past few weeks with schoolwear so i've not had much time to brood about it but now that it's quieter it wil hit harder. There is also the practical side...basically i cannot get out of the place without locking the door. While i could have left him for five or ten minutes before now to do a quick message that is no longer possible. In a funny way i could cope better if i was rushed off my feet as there is less time to think about stuff and you generally feel more energised and positive. However the way business is that is unlikely. The admin side is more difficult with him at home but that is workable...while he is up to doing it of course. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise as I am being forced to face things and adapt before the inevitable. I am bad at facing things. Chronically bad even now. There's is the added complication of this bloody hernia of mine requiring attention...it's a bit like a time bomb in itself as even a violent sneeze could result in a trip to A and E or so i'm told. It can also cause seriously painful IBS intermittently...that at the moment would be highly problematic as i am skating in thin ice as it is. I'm occasionally asked why i don't simply employ some back up...valid question but sadly given the current financial predicament of the business to do so would mean paying myself and my father virtually nothing ...it's meager as it is and at present i'm carrying the full budgetary pressure for us both. It's simply not an option i'm afraid. Many look at me incredulousy at this revelation but that's too bad...they aren't running a struggling retail outlet in a town that's dying on its feet. Or put another way they have no fucking clue about how self employment works...or rather doesn't. They only add to my stress levels frankly. It's like the folk who in their well meaning way make suggestions as to how i might improve things...to be honest i feel like saying that if they really want to help they might consider buying something...or keeping quiet. If you ever see a friend who is a retailer in trouble instead of handing out lots of ill informed (and largely innappropiate) advice and thereby increasing their already high stress levels, try putting some money in their till...that's what they usually need more than anything. More about that latter.
Speaking of stress...my last visit to the dentist revealed that i am now grinding my teeth. A filling on Tuesday was out the following morning and replaced on Thursday...grinding the culprit. No doubt the recent crap with Dad has contributed to this...on top of the existing dresses of the shop and health issues. Apparently the next step if it continues is a gum shield..i haven't worn one of those since school rugby so that should be fun. On the health front i'm trying to eat a bit more carefully (less fat,sugar etc and more fiber, fruit, fish etc) plus drinking at least a liter or more of water a day (i rarely ever drank water so that's proving a chore though a worthwhile one...at least when by bladder adapts properly). I'm also wanting to get out and walk a bit more but that's not so easy...six days on my feet all day in the shop leaves me fairly tired frankly and i'm very conscious of the hernia when it comes to long walks...i'm desperate not to inflame things, especially at the minute. But we shall see.
I ventured down the road to Hillsborough Park for the first time in about three years or so the other evening...the sort of mild and sunny evening that shows its lake side walk off to best effect.
That tranquil spot was a weekly haunt in the immediate aftermath of the marital separation ...along with Murlough beach it was one of the few places i was able to gather my discordant and tortured thoughts. If anything it was easier to do so then than it is now. Or perhaps now i've given up trying and simply bow to their inevitable sway...picking an ever narrowing path through their jagged terrain. But it's a start.
