Jumbled musings
I’ve not written much of late due to the fact that blogger app is no longer available on ios mobile (i’m considering moving to something else as a result if I can work out how to migrate) ...the web version is frankly tiresome. But I digress. If I lose previous content it’s not that big a deal really as I write primarily for myself on this blog...i’m not that bothered about whether anyone actually reads it. I would however like to keep the name if possible as it sums up how i’ve felt about life this past few years.
My mood is all over the place presently. The shop continues to be a massive worry...the financial pressure is relentless and i am well aware that I am fighting a loosing battle. But i’ve little choice but to keep fighting. I wish I was of the type to simply not give a fuck as dealing with suppliers would be a lot simpler. I don’t like owing money to people and it bothers me that I can’t pay accounts on time. Moreover it makes it difficult to really get behind brands etc when you are hanging by a thread with them and on the cusp of falling out of favor with them pretty much all the time. I find it harder and harder to be enthusiastic about products as in the back of your mind you are wondering if you will have this or that brand in the shop much longer because of payment issues. Some suppliers are reasonable enough and will help out with payment plans etc but increasingly most are not that understanding. I’m not going to comment except to say that paying for goods bought over six months in advance in thirty days is becoming less and less viable for smaller independent retail businesses of a certain type. Most brands insist on forward orders , perhaps understandably, but as footfall moves from the high street to the internet it is getting harder and harder to function as far as cash flow is concerned. One is always suspicious that the terms they give to larger retailers are eminently more favorable and that to a degree smaller guys like me subsidize that. Yes i could of course just pack up and quit ...but i’m not sure that’s really in anyone’s interest..except possibly my own if it could be done in a certain way. But it seems a shame that a small one man outlet cannot do enough business to scrape a living in the present climate. Plus i’m certain the govt would miss the £1000 per month business rates that i have to fork out ...to say nothing of the crippling 20 per cent turnover VAT etc....we SMEs have our uses. Having said all that it’s touch and go whether I can survive another year ...financially or mentally. The NI market for anything that isn’t cheap shite is limited. The tiny percentage of decent customers is simply not enough to keep a place like mine going in a location such as this. For every one of them there is a dozen tire kickers or internet showroomers (or parasites as I prefer to call them) taking up your time and energy...and air space. To be fair it’s always been the case that only a relatively small percentage of customers (around 10 percent at a guess) contributed the majority of business but these days there are less of them full stop so turnover is severely depleted while margin (and therefore profit ) is also well diminished. The result is you cannot bring in as much stock which means potentially even less business as people turn to the more fertile picking ground of the internet and larger multiples. Basically a perfect storm. I’ve never been a great advocate of “customer loyalty” as it’s an over simplified term but if there ever was any it is now non existent. Must would step over your fast expiring prostrate form to save a few quid on line...then wonder why some day the shutters are down for good. Or they will use you as a source of information ...or a fit centre ...to make the process of buying on line a bit less risky. The latter group i have nothing but contempt for and if you are one of them feel free to go away and fuck yourself...I want neither your money nor your presence. If you want to spend your money on
line and send it out of the local economy you yourself rely on for employment etc then knock yourself out...but don’t have the audacity to make use of your local independent retailers stock, light , heat, knowledge etc to take the risk out of it. If you are too stupid or economically illiterate and ethically vacuous not to get why that’s a problem...or that it’s simply bad manners....well frankly that is your problem. Yes it may well be cheaper on
line (though not always as it happens) but the main reason for that is the very fact that you can not touch it, see it, try it on, engage one to one with a human being who is paid to stand there and provide that option ...all things which incur additional costs for the brick and mortar seller and which the on
line only set up can skimp on . Of course it is true that the vast majority of folk do not give a shit about any of that...they see price only and would sell their soul for the sake of a fiver. I’ve been at this game for nearly forty years, six days a week and it gives a better insight into human nature than any psychology course ever will. Most people don’t do joined up thinking when it comes to how they spend their money. And those with more of it to spare are always the worst in that regard I find. They do however begin to care once it starts to affect themselves as the local infracture they also depend on begins to take the strain of fewer local shops and less business rate revenue for the locality ...Amazon will not pay for too many local leisure centres. Again I digress.
On the health front i continue to await word on the anticipated hernia surgery ...to be honest i’ve put it to the back of my mind. Too many other concerns. My dad is well improved physically but is unlikely to return to work as before. He remains a concern. My own mental landscape is as muddled and as problematic as ever. I feel like the guy who had his finger in the dyke...you plug one hole and two more appear. The cumulative affect of smaller niggling worries can be formidable. It’s hard to not let my mind stray to various possible (and none too positive ) scenarios going forward...mainly to do with precarious financial outcomes. One buries what one can but they tug at the consciousness demanding attention that I lack the energy or more truthfully the resolve/courage to do anything about. Fear is a familiar companion. I don’t remember a time when i wasn’t afraid...or didn’t have a vague sense of unease. I was trying to pinpoint its origin earlier but other than
locating some of it in my own life long sense of inadequacy and low self esteem (yes that old chestnut) i have made little progress. Perhaps it’s just my nature. I write to try and clear my head and focus my thoughts but i rarely achieve either. Deep emotional pain and dread is common to us all and I am no exception to the rule. We all deal with it our own way ...mine is to internalise it...to stroke it and caress it like a lover at times (not that I am too adept in that regard)...to plumb it’s depths in the wee small hours when everything seems worse and the world of the imagination is awash with unbidden thoughts. Then to grind on and blot the worst of it out as best I can...without much success in the main. I suppose i’m no different to most people in that respect...we all find a way to carry our personal baggage...moving it from one shoulder to the other...like an ill fitting pack...hoping that the weight of it may somehow diminish over time as we somehow get more used to it. Occasionally it will bite into the shoulder or send a shard of pain through the vertebrae causing us to wince and grit our teeth ...or die a tiny bit inside. Usually the damage is containable and we move on , shifting the load around a bit. Never really comfortable but manageable. Some day the weight will be too much and the pain will bring us to our knees...perhaps for the final time. But not today. Not quite yet. There’s still a way to travel.
Not the perfect analogy but it will do for now.
