Just a quickie to keep my hand in as it were. Have been toying with the idea of going back to church...haven't been there in over a year and was just thinking there this morning that if you'd told me a couple of years ago that I would have let things slip so badly faith wise, well it would have been inconceivable. But here we are. I could make all sorts of excuses but the truth is I simply do not want to go...nothing to do with the church in question, just the way I feel. After the seperation and for the first couple of years I seemed to rediscover my faith, or re learn it or whatever...maybe discover it for the first time in any meaningful way if I'm honest. Out of sheer desperation I threw myself on God and had what I still consider to be my most "real"encounter with him since I became a Christian many years ago...I don't mean that in a weird way..just a progressive leaning into him and deepening awareness of him if that makes any sense...of course that is often the stated experience of those who go through extreme trauma/upheaval in life...the price you pay perhaps for a closer walk of faith if you like, or, put less attractively, a falling back on God when all else fails and the props are kicked away. I would say that I have never prayed so intensely as during that initial period or felt as deeply comforted in spite of the chaos and distress of my life dring this time. So what has changed? I rarely pray now or even think of God on an everyday basis...what has happened. The crisis hasn't passed, my life remains notable and difficult, the future just as uncertain, the emmotional pain of family seperation just as real and sharp as ever. So why have I seemingly abandoned my faith...strong words but essentially true. Don't get me wrong...I have not become an atheist or even an agnostic..that would be too easy and clean... I still believe in the God I believed in eighteen months ago but he is now relegated to the periphery of things , at least in my thinking, and I no longer feel able to go through the motions of Christian observance as before, speak the Christian lingo as before, play the Christian game as before. I still have huge respect and affection for the people around me who are Christians but I just am unable to be part of what they are at present. I doubt if they would understand this...I certainly don't so why would they. Perhaps its just me, maybe I am just worn down by events to the point where it doesn't matter any more what I actually believe. I know that the next level may fall out from under my life at any time and that the plunge this time might be irretrievable..and yet I refuse to go running back to Him just cause of that..like He is some sort of cosmic insurance policy. If any of my christian friends happens to read this I'd ask that you pray for me..not sure what to say beyond that except that I might have some clarity on these things. I feel a bit guilty as there are people I should have visited ( I can think of one especially who struggles with health) but I confess I've stayed away because I no longer feel I can have the kind of conversation that would edify them and I have no desire to drag them down further.  Nothing I've just said is particularily definitive...I have not given up on God....I just am not sure anymore what I believe and can't pretend otherwise. Sorry but there it is. And that's enough honesty for now I think.