Basically since I last communicated I have moved back to my dads place after nearly four years on my own. I was dreading it but in actual fact it's worked out well enough and more importantly is saving me money...the main reason I did it. To be honest I am now kicking myself that I did not move back a couple of years ago. Initially I needed the space (not literally but psychologically) that the "house" (it was never home...that's a term that's now redundant pretty much) afforded ...I probably would have gone mad had I not gone down that route so I don't absolutely regret it. Hindsight of course offers a slightly more discordant view of things but doesn't it always. Anyway I have settled back in reasonably well...I keep to my part of the bungalow and our paths rarely cross except in the kitchen or hall...that suits us both quite honestly. My main reservation was going back to living with someone after 4 years of welcome solitude. I've long given up trying to explain to people that living with your ageing parent after a marriage split is far from ideal...it is best simply to keep ones counsel and get on with things. There are of course issues rumbling away below the surface...mainly financial stuff and a big potential issue that I am customarily avoiding in the hope that it goes away...a familiar modus operandi that gets no more efficacious with age and repetition. However it is how I roll. Business continues to be ...well...crap basically. Having a shop that is continually on a knife edge financially is not conducive to a relaxed or settled existence. So my existence is neither. The constant clench in the pit of the stomach is something you never really get used to...and it is good at making its presence felt in the wee small hours as the thoughts go tumbling uncontrollably...or the spin cycle as some call it. I have no solution to that one except to grind on and hope for the best...any small improvement would be welcome business wise but it is hard to see where it will come from. But that's a blog for another day. On the personal front FB and other social media continue to distract from the somewhat harsh and unyielding feel of things ...though sometimes they also reinforce the sense of isolation and difficulty...bit of a poison chalice but they keep me mildly sane. Indeed it's partly thanks to a friend on FB that I'm writing this...she provided a much needed spur...you know who you are. I had hoped to get back to some walking this year as I could do withthe exercise as well as the distraction but I now have a very sore hip...possibly siattica...so that may curtail things. I also have rumblings in the IBS department ...it hit around late spring last year so I'm bracing myself...I'm continually reminded by well meaning people that it is stress related and I have run out of sarcastic replies. There's other stuff too...not for this blog...a hangover of the past (well several) that may lead to some conflict very soon ...I am continually braced it seems. Then there is the day to day stuff that trips you up...blah blah blah. And shards of memory that stab at you out of nowhere ...sometimes that's the worst thing because it's sudden and unexpected and you thought it dead and buried long ago. On this occasion a glance at a photograph brought it on...only last night. And for a good half hour I was fighting off the blackest of moods...laced with bittersweet memory...or in this case struggling to remember certain things that I had not considered important for a long time...family stuff...the stuff that can jump up and bite and draw blood when you think it tamed and dealt with. I should know better. Nothing stays buried. There is no hole deep enough at times. Hey ho.
That's it for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment