Decision.

Clarity is hard to find. 

In all of my life I can’t recall really ever experiencing that moment of clarity when the scales fall off, the fog lifts and you see things with absolute precision. At least i can’t think of it offhand if it’s ever happened. Perhaps it’s just a nice idea ...one of those concepts that we aspire to but that doesn’t really exist in the confusion and mess of real life. A slightly less dramatic version of the old idea of looking for a sign perhaps. What’s for sure is that you can never find it when you need it...clarity that is. My thought processes have always been a bit convoluted to be honest...i’ve always tended to over think things and have never been adept at making decisions...any decisions. I’m the prevaricator’s prevaricator. Faced with a fork in the road i will look for a spoon as well. My “paths not taken” would fill a small volume. I’ve always envied people who were decisive...who have that knack of seeing clearly a way ahead through the thickest of mist...almost like they possess built in radar. They haven’t of course they are just more courageous ...or have better instincts ...or are simply bigger risk takers. That will always depend on what you are risking of course. So much goes into decision making and context is everything. Most of my business decisions have been made under pressure of some form...usually that pressure has been financial. Other times it’s been a matter of choosing a least worst option. I’ve rarely had the luxury of real choice...it’s always been contingent on various factors. And most of the decisions have been complicated. They are rarely straightforward. When it comes for instance to the direction of a business it can be a bit like shooting in the dark...well it has been for me. Sometimes you just point and fire. It’s a bit like that presently. I’m running out of decent options and I need to decide what to do...and soon. I can’t stall much longer. There is a part of me that is borderline wreckless...that’s the part that rarely gets an outing. Perhaps now is the time to let it out of the cage. Perhaps not...which is the problem.  The difficulty is that despite my best efforts i invest decisions with emotion...I can’t seem to find that objectivity that the best decision makers tap into naturally. The other difficulty is that none of the decisions or possible outcomes are particularily appealing ...all involve considerable risk and are rife with failure and frustrated ambitions. They are all painful...it is just a matter of degree. 

Standing here alone in the shop with far too much time to think through various options is hardly conducive to being decisive. Clarity of mind ..assuming it exists...is a forlorn hope...yet i’ve never needed it more. In some ways it might be a relief for all this to be taken out of my hands ...the decision made for me ...but such relief would be short lived. It’s generally much easier to give in than it is to fight. To fight requires effort and stamina and focus...it means dredging up mental resources from somewhere ...when you’d rather just disappear...yes fighting places considerable demands upon the exhausted psyche. But I have to fight ...that much is clear. 

Perhaps after all I should just point and shoot.