Snow

Babe I got you bad

Dreaming blood-wet dreams

only madmen have

Baby I got you bad

I wish to God I never had

And it makes me feel so sad,

O, Baby I got you bad

Yeah, Babe I got you bad

Nick Cave

People tell me it's a sin

To know and feel too much within

I still believe she was my twin but I lost the ring

She was born in spring but I was born too late

Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

Bob Dylan 

I think too much. At least that’s what i’ve always thought. I examine things from too many angles...pick them apart and reassemble them. I suppose it’s just the way my head works. Or maybe it’s just that i’m a coward. Or maybe a bit of both. This is going to be a difficult one...as much as anything because i’m not really sure what i’m trying to say. Or how to say it. It’s heavy snow here today so i’m not at work and i’m restless...on edge. Words are hard to find presently...just out of reach in that way that sometimes happens. I need to say things but I can’t...and i need to find a way to deal with that. I’m good at burying things...an expert. At shutting down feelings. I’ve gotten good at it...i’ve needed to. At least that’s what I tell myself...it’s my favorite narrative. You do a lot of things to survive in this world...or at least to keep sane...to keep going. With me it’s locking things down...or out...namely emotions. I may have always done it but it’s become my default response in recent years. I feel things but I manage to keep it all at arms length somehow...it’s like it’s someone else whose experiencing this stuff...and i’m watching. Sounds crazy i know but there it is. I suppose it’s easier to deal with emmotions if you can keep them just at a little bit of a remove...not allow them full access. Sometimes you just daren’t...or you will break apart...utterly. 

I’m very selfish ...again another defence mechanism in its way. I don’t particularly like myself much of the time if i’m honest. But i’m afraid to change. Some time ago I allowed fear and self doubt to smother something very special...I walked away from it because I couldn’t handle what I was feeling...and was scared of where it was taking me. I told myself it was for the best...that I could bury it and move on. And I did to some extent. But not fully. I held on to certain feelings...feelings that were too good to completely let go of. Something was awakened in me that wasn’t going to simply lay down and die however much I ignored it...largely because I didn’t want it to. I wanted to hold on to it...to keep it with me...a reminder of something extraordinary that left its mark on my psyche...at all sorts of levels.  I was coping with that arrangement...the deal i’d made with myself. I could handle it...keep it under wraps and get on with things...even have a measure of contentment. But I was wrong...not for the first time. Some things won’t stay buried...they find a way of working themselves to the surface..seeping out. Good things are more painful than bad ones sometimes...ridiculous though that sounds. Desire...longing...needing...wanting...these things paw mercilessly at the will and are hard to fend off...especially when a part of you doesn’t really want to. Even when you know it’s pointless and there is pain in it ...a pain that will only get worse with time. None of this will

make any sense. I’m trying to say things without saying them. To square a circle. I know what I have to do to survive...to keep going. To stay sane. It will be harder this time than before. But I can’t see any other way. 

“In the end I wish it all would burn...”