All in Code.

“I was longing to be wooed

I was ready to be humbled

By the words that you had written

By the syllables you mumbled

Yeah, I was ready in my heart

To have my heart invaded

By the fervour of your passion

Yes, I came to be persuaded”

Mike Scott. 

I started this blog to try to make sense of stuff...make sense of me. I thought that if I wrote stuff down it would help me deal with stuff and find some clarity. All the usual reasons people give. I reallly never expected people to read it...or cared very much who did. I suppose there is something of vanity in writing online ...rather than just putting it in a journal. But to be honest I rarely think of anyone reading it when i’m writing...well that’s not completely true...I do sometimes have someone in my head...that i’m sort of writing to...or at the very least I imagine them reading it. Maybe that’s not that unusual. Anyway the point is that it doesn’t really work...well not for me. Or at least not recently. The dealing with stuff I mean. Some things aren’t amenable to being dealt with...no matter how many words you type on a keyboard. Some things are just too raw. To painful. Too much. Too hard. Some things maybe just have to be parked in “no way of dealing with them” territory. Words are sort of my defence mechanism...or at the very least they are a distraction. I write a lot but don’t always say very much...i’m not alone in that of course. 

This past while has been...challenging. The business is seriously struggling ...i’ve had health issues...my dads health is going only one way...it’s like a mountain of pain is building and building and it’s going to bury me under its weight. I don’t sleep much...I dread going in to work...I am constantly anxious and on edge...my mind plays out one disasterous scenario after another...almost on an hourly basis. The spin cycle is in overdrive...and it’s churning me up. Sometimes...especially in the night...I feel like my head is going to burst with it all...I actually feel the edges of my sanity start to warp and bend...i’m seriously afraid of losing my mind completely. Other times I think it would be a relief...for it all to end...to stop. I wish at times I had the courage to let go...to finally succumb to the darkness...to embrace it and be carried away by it into oblivion. Nothing if not poetic. But it’s how I actually feel. I have friends but even the best of them cannot really help...no one can get inside your head. No one can be you...not even fleetingly. There is someone who gets it...this someone was there for me when I was at a low ebb in the past...despite their own ongoing nightmare they showed me love and kindness and empathy ...they probably don’t realise just how much they meant...mean to me...not really. I’m not sure I would have survived had it not been for them. And that’s not the half of it. They touched me in so many ways...and still do. As much as ever. Every bit. 

I’ve always been afraid. From as long as I can remember even as a child...fear was always at my shoulder...it hung around me like a bad smell. Afraid of rejection...of what others thought....of getting hurt...of taking chances...of letting go emotionally. I guess it’s common enough and I’m not that unusual but your own fear always seems worse. That last one ...the not letting go emotionally...it’s the one that I now consider the most damaging. The most painful. You become hardened to things or at least you think you do. You don’t let things touch you but certain things  always get through. You close it all off and shut it all down and keep going...well i’ve said all this before. It doesn’t work and maybe it’s just as well. But it’s always still my default. Until something comes along that won’t play by the rules. Something that burns itself deep into your psyche...that roots itself so firmly that it simply won’t shift...something so powerful and overwhelming and captivating that there is simply no defence against it...it plough’s through your walls and batters down your doors...it is all consuming and grips like a vice...and you don’t want it to be otherwise if you are honest with yourself. It conquers every part of you...except your deepest fears. They prove strangely resilient. They are implacable and terrible. They defy almost anything...and part of how they work is that they convince you that it is for the best. That such things are not for you...but only for those who deserve them ...or are sufficiently attractive to inspire them. I’m aware that such thinking is messed up yet it has great power and effect. And perhaps it is not entirely messed up at the end of the day. People are broken and flawed. I should know. 

I am writing in code...in a way. I am trying to say something without saying it. I fear rejection. I fear my own limitations and failings. I fear what I know is coming. Some things can’t be borne ...I think i’m on a collision course with the most unbearable of things. I’m like a coiled spring...but any release will be terrifying. It will cause hurt...and confusion...and pain. I can’t win this one. There are just degrees of loss. 

None of this will make sense ...it barely does to me. 

Sometimes words only make things worse.