Just a quick correction. My life is far from notable...the word intended before iPhones notorious autocorrect got to work on it was unstable...I really should read these before posting...

Just a quickie to keep my hand in as it were. Have been toying with the idea of going back to church...haven't been there in over a year and was just thinking there this morning that if you'd told me a couple of years ago that I would have let things slip so badly faith wise, well it would have been inconceivable. But here we are. I could make all sorts of excuses but the truth is I simply do not want to go...nothing to do with the church in question, just the way I feel. After the seperation and for the first couple of years I seemed to rediscover my faith, or re learn it or whatever...maybe discover it for the first time in any meaningful way if I'm honest. Out of sheer desperation I threw myself on God and had what I still consider to be my most "real"encounter with him since I became a Christian many years ago...I don't mean that in a weird way..just a progressive leaning into him and deepening awareness of him if that makes any sense...of course that is often the stated experience of those who go through extreme trauma/upheaval in life...the price you pay perhaps for a closer walk of faith if you like, or, put less attractively, a falling back on God when all else fails and the props are kicked away. I would say that I have never prayed so intensely as during that initial period or felt as deeply comforted in spite of the chaos and distress of my life dring this time. So what has changed? I rarely pray now or even think of God on an everyday basis...what has happened. The crisis hasn't passed, my life remains notable and difficult, the future just as uncertain, the emmotional pain of family seperation just as real and sharp as ever. So why have I seemingly abandoned my faith...strong words but essentially true. Don't get me wrong...I have not become an atheist or even an agnostic..that would be too easy and clean... I still believe in the God I believed in eighteen months ago but he is now relegated to the periphery of things , at least in my thinking, and I no longer feel able to go through the motions of Christian observance as before, speak the Christian lingo as before, play the Christian game as before. I still have huge respect and affection for the people around me who are Christians but I just am unable to be part of what they are at present. I doubt if they would understand this...I certainly don't so why would they. Perhaps its just me, maybe I am just worn down by events to the point where it doesn't matter any more what I actually believe. I know that the next level may fall out from under my life at any time and that the plunge this time might be irretrievable..and yet I refuse to go running back to Him just cause of that..like He is some sort of cosmic insurance policy. If any of my christian friends happens to read this I'd ask that you pray for me..not sure what to say beyond that except that I might have some clarity on these things. I feel a bit guilty as there are people I should have visited ( I can think of one especially who struggles with health) but I confess I've stayed away because I no longer feel I can have the kind of conversation that would edify them and I have no desire to drag them down further.  Nothing I've just said is particularily definitive...I have not given up on God....I just am not sure anymore what I believe and can't pretend otherwise. Sorry but there it is. And that's enough honesty for now I think.

Well here I am again sitting here in a coffee shop on a rainy Saturday night feeling a bit sorry for myself. Nothing new there. One of the consequences of enforced marital seperation is a sense of dislocation, of drift, of emotional deadness that only those who have been there can begin to understand. Four years on those feelings are as prevalent as ever, more so perhaps as they are more ground in now, more entrenched. Just as painful also. As with bereavement, which this state resembles in more ways than one, people expect you to have "gotten over it" by now and to have "moved on". Such people have probably never experienced either, at least not at close quarters, otherwise they would banish any such ideas from their mind. The phrase "move on" has to be one of the most singularly galling anyone in my position can encounter...my advice to anyone ever tempted to trot it out in conversation with someone facing wrenching or devastating change/crisis in their life is to keep it to themselves...it will rarely be helpful (even if reasonable) and at its worst can cut like a rapier. Moving on carries with it the assumption of hope for the future and often those to whom it is addressed are too raw to think of one..yes we all must, and do, move on but we do it at our own faltering pace and in our own broken way. There is no one size fits all for moving on , as with most things in life...and like many perfectly obvious and logical ideas it must carefully and painfully negotiate a tangled mass of damaged emotions and ragged feelings before it can become any sort of reality. As I sit here in this coffee shop I have moved on in time but my mind and emotions lag inconveniently and resolutely behind...perhaps some day soon they will catch up. I am not yet ready to "move on".

Well I am a bit like a bus..nothing for ages and then two come along at once. Firstly I wish to say something about Blogger...just a few bloggs in and I am far from impressed. I find it not that intuitive and really poor as a mobile site...like many others these days I prefer to do this on a smart phone and an somewhat surprised at how poorly set up this is for that..yes I could go and sit in front of a computer but I don't choose to, sorry so I am considering an alternative set up..possibly Word Press but we shall see. Itis possible I am just not interacting with it properly but I think not. Anyway that's by the way. Its been a funny old week what with the so called "God Particle" discovery and then the furore over the creationist feature at the new Causeway Visitors Centre. I have little to say about the former as I am not a physicist and there not qualified to comment..."well done" though may be an appropriate response. As for the other thing, well I am slightly more qualified here as I am a Christian though again, my scientific knowledge is very firmly of the "lay" variety. When it comes to origins I should nail my colors to the mast here and say that I am not a young earth creationist...I am if I'm honest in what I consider to be that rather large camp amongst mainstream evangelical Christianity which believes that God did the creating but exactly how He did it is a matter for debate. Such a debate in these parts though, if it happens at all, tends to generate a lot more heat than light and it rarely gets hotter than "young earth " zealotry. It never ceases to amaze me how many Christians can become so animated and galvanized about the age of the earth, or how generally mild mannered people become so exercised by(not to say expert on) the myriad meanings of the word "day" in the Genesis account and what have you. Perhaps I am being mischievous but one rarely encounters so much enthusiasm amongst believers for engaging with other arguably more pressing issues (world poverty and economic inequality for instance or the many glaring environmental considerations etc)...it is clearly and perhaps understandably easier to spend time worrying about the age of the earth and getting up the noses of the scientific community than it is to directly and perhaps sacrificially engage with what is actually happening in it. Unfair...well perhaps but I never promised fairness in this blog and I of course include myself firmly in this general criticism...collective naval gazing and mutual haranguing is always preferable to uncomfortable and risky engagement, whatever the issue. There is another more practical consideration here though in zealously pursuing a young earth agenda in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, and it is not just a matter of fomenting a needless antipathy towards science (though that's bad enough) but there is the very real risk of bringing the Christian gospel itself into disrepute by alienating vast numbers of people who otherwise might give it a more sympathetic hearing, and not just those within the scientific comnunity. Now if the gospel and indeed God are rejected because of honest, accurate and direct biblical revelation about his character and activity then that is fair enough. If however He is rejected because of questionable exegesis(however sincere or well meaning)leading to scientific outcomes lacking any real credibility then that is a very serious consideration for those who so vociferously espouse such views. Flying in the face of established scientific reasoning and evidence is fine if you are right...but the stakes are high if you are wrong and not just in terms of looking silly..you risk making God look silly and that is an entirely different proposition given what evangelical Christians believe about Him. The young

earthers will no doubt argue with all the self assurance of the zealot that they are indeed right and that every one is out of step but them on this, including all mainstream scientific enquiry. For their sake I hope this is the case as setting up God for ridicule is no laughing matter, as I'm sure they would be the first to agree. Perhaps those who regard the setting up of the Causeway installation as some sort of "victory" in the face of the wicked scientific atheism need to take a step back and consider which cause they are actually furthering...the answer may not be quite as simple as first thought.

Well so much for my intention of blogging regularly...no excuses really and possibly none required...only to say that my definition of "regular" is perhaps a little elastic. Still not entirely sure about how to approach this whole blogging thing...not really fully confortable with the idea yet. Whether to ainly record my introspective angst (of which there is enough to fill several blogs) or to mainly focus on comment about specific topics? Perhaps "just get on with it " is the correct approach though I'm not sure...I feel a need to be considered in regard to the latter and at present I tend to be a little too reactive (as in knee jerk) for my own good. Perhaps this is a symptom of my ongoing somewhat disjointed and out of kilter existence or perhaps it is just me. Or perhaps I should just use many words to say very little about anything very much.As I have just demonstrated with this post I may be quite good at that. Anyway...just wanted to dirty the page again so that in the unlikely event of anyone actually following this there would be at least some further verbiage to consider, however inane. Ta for now.

Okay well that seemed to work. The first thing that is painfully obvious about me is that I am no tech wizard...so bear with me. So why have I decided to blog then? Good question. To be honest I am a bit self conscious doing this...hopefully that will pass but I would say that my main reason for doing this is for my own benefit. To be fair from where Im sitting it is unlikely that any musings of mine will benefit, or even be of interest to, anyone else. My thinking however is that blogging may help me organize my own increasingly convoluted thought life into something approaching coherence, a tall order but you never know.I often need to talk but living alone I am becoming increasingly tired of the sound of my own voice so this seems a viable alternative. My contributions here are as likely to be every bit as erratic as all other aspects of my life at present but I will try to bring some regularity to my efforts. Basically we will see how it goes. And that I think will do for now.

Okay so here we go. Have tried this once and it didnt work out right so rather than waste a lot of time I am going to post this test one first. Not a very auspicious start but there it is. Here we go.